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Dec210 Comments
Your New Years’ Resolutions
Posted in: Who's That Guy?, This Guy Wisdom, News, Car Knowledge
Happy New Year from STP!Hola, chief. It’s that time of year when people start thinking about their New Years’ resolutions – those annual goals we set for ourselves like losing weight, quitting smoking, beginning an exercise regimen, spending more time with loved ones, and adopting a monkey. Actually, that last one is my own personal resolution, and has been for each of the last twenty-seven years.
Unfortunately, my wife’s not totally on board with the idea. I can still hear her voice ringing through the house:
“Are you out of your mind? There’s no way we’re getting a monkey. It’ll be just like the potbellied pig fiasco. I mean, who takes a pig for a walk? People thought we were hillbillies. We get a monkey, they’ll think we’re circus folk.”
So while my annual resolution will once again go unfulfilled, it’s not too early to start thinking about your own goals for the New Year. Here are a few suggestions to get 2011 off to a great start:
Build something with your hands.
And no, I don’t mean a Gossip Girl diorama (Taylor Momsen is sassy!) or a jewelry box to hold your collection of ear studs and Swatches. Build something that’ll get your man-juices flowing, like a shelf in the garage for your tools, a display case for your poison blow darts and your ninja throwing stars, or a comfy box for your monkey to sleep in. Tip: monkeys like flannel sheets.
Grill some meat.
Don’t wait till summer ‘cause real men grill year-round. So put on your snow gear, head out to the patio, and fire that baby up. And remember: the main rule of grilling is to only cook animals that are higher than you on the food chain. So forget the beef steaks, because cows rarely have a taste for human blood. You can skip the chicken too, because very few people actually get mauled by poultry. Instead, go out and get yourself some wolf meat. Or maybe some bear ribs. If you’re into seafood, you can always grill up some shark spleen. Nice and crispy. That’s the stuff.
Get a check-up from your doctor.
I’ve got news for you, chief: Real men go to the doctor. So make an appointment and get yourself an annual examination. Just make sure it’s with a real physician. Because if it’s just a guy named Todd offering free prostate exams in the back of his van parked behind a Dollar Tree and a burned-out Shoney’s, you might want to try someone else.
Go on a Sasquatch hunt.
We’re always looking for ways to get you off the couch and into the great outdoors, and what better reason is there than hunting for evidence of the elusive Sasquatch? Because believe me, they’re out there. Watching. Waiting. Mocking. And I’ m not the only one who thinks so. Earlier this month, a film crew for the TV show Swamp Loggers found what is believed to be a bigfoot nest deep in a North Carolina swamp. By the way, did you ever notice how much the wookies from Star Wars resemble Sasquatches? Is it possible that Chewbacca and the other space apes are indeed related to Sasquatch? Something to think about.
Show your car some love.
Get yourself a wash and wax. I’m talking about your car, not your man-parts, chief. And if you’re gonna get an annual check-up from your doctor (see resolution #3), why not do the same for your vehicle? By now, you already know how to check your own belts, fluid levels, and tire tread, but I’d have a mechanic give your car a thorough inspection and oil change at least once a year if you’re not motivated to do it yourself. And since we’re on the subject, add some STP to your gas tank. It’ll make your car run better, longer.
That’s it for 2010, chief—but we’ll see you back here in January. From all of us here at STP, we’d like to wish you a happy holiday season and a healthy and prosperous New Year.
As always: Travel safe, live smart, and get your hands dirty. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to see a man about a monkey. Please don’t tell my wife.
—RC, STP® blogger
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